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Eating disorder

I’m going to talk about something really personal, that not even my friends and family know.

I guess, it started because everytime something good happened when I was a kid (birthdays/graduations) they rewarded me with food, mostly sweets, I probably associated them with possitive things.

I have never been a «skinny» kid, but neither a overweight one, I started to think more about my appearance when I was a teenager, well… 19 years old to be exact; soo, I broke my foot and for obvious reasons I wasn’t moving, also I lived by myself and most of the food I was eating, was fast food.

Of course I gain weight, but didn’t notice it at first, until I saw my jeans didn’t fit, soo I started a really strict diet, in which I succeeded, for year and half ♡

But, in the process, I noticed something different, about how others treated me, being nicer and giving more attention, at the moment I thought it was great.

I felt good, until I broke my diet… soo, in short, I went on a trip to Miami with my grandparents, and I thought «I’ll break my diet just during our vacations»

No problem with it, I’ll eat healthier when we come back home, and I did! , but I had a second trip where I had the same mentality, and this time, when I came back it was more difficult to eat healthier, but I did, for a full month, and suddenly I had the urge to eat something «bad» and… I did, and since then, I did it a couple of more times.

Last year, around September, I had one of these «eating urges» and I worried, because I didn’t want to gain the weight I had lost, and I did something I’m not proud of… I «throw it way» and at the time I said to myself it would be a 1 time thing, but it wasn’t.

Whitout notice it, I started to do this more often, once per week, and then I did it everytime I felt I «over ate».

Past December I was feeling tired and stressed all the time, and without me inducing the «throw up» my body did it by itself, without me wanting to, and I realized I had no control.

And the funny thing is, that I didn’t consider myself as someone sick, when I clearly have a problem that now I can accept.

In January I went to a therapist, and tell her all about it, and since then I’ve been better, sadly… I relapsed last week, it’s the first time in these year, hope it is the last one.

I never thought this could be something «addictive» I don’t do any drugs, I don’t like to go out and party or drink… and still I struggle (now sometimes, before it was every day) with the idea of food.

I hope there’s more awareness of this topic, I went to a «normal» hospital and asked for treatment for my eating disorder, and the receptionist laght at me, saying that’s not a real problem. (In January, before all the actual situation of course).

Thank you for reading ♡

Traveling ♡

Cliche title? But is true, after quite a long time working and saving, I’m glad to say that I finally went full turist in France.

Well, just Paris, but still, it was beautiful, so different from Costa Rica, specially the weather.

I have a lot of new experiences, even accidents, but the thing that I would like to point out is, how much it help me, since I have dysthymia (depression), and the last year has been specially hard for me, just to do basic things, just to find motivation basically, but traveling by myself has been a really liberating experience.

Felling actually good for once 🙂

Achievement

I’m at certain point in my life, where I question and critique way too much, specially myself.

There’s a a weird feeling I have, when my younger cousin, or even some of my younger friends tell me about their achievements (about relationships/college/fitness); I know what it probably looks like, and no, is not jealousy, is more like a little pressure I feel, to do better.

I also know we are not in any type of race, but, as I said, it feels like we are competing with each other.

When I’m at work or college, everyone wants to stand out, mostly showing off, but there are some people who are just happy doing all kinda things, and being naturally better at them or making an effort to be better, and I highly admire that, but at the same time I feel pressure to be like them.

Thanks for reading my emotional ramble 🙂

Balancing job

Funny thing is that, even if I’m young, I’ve always been independent, living alone since I got a permanent workplace.

But, I probably feel way too comfortable in here, a lot of my teammates, the ones I enter with, have a better job now in the same company or other, and even my boss asked me once “Why wouldn’t you apply for a better position?” and I don’t really have an answer.

Why make the effort of going through a new interview, where there’s a high chance of rejection, plus, I don’t have a bad job, and I don’t feel particularly happy or sad, just “normal” I guess, this is my first job, so I don’t have much experience eather.

Does that sound like putting excuses ?maybe a little, sorry… but, the one thing that stops me every time, is that thought in the back in my head, telling me that I should be happy with the few things that I have, and honestly not knowing if I deserve something better.

Oh my, I sound like an angsty teen, I’m 22 already (should grow up) I think I should at least try the promotion thing, but I still think someone else deserves it more then me, can’t help it

I’m just saying my random thoughts, if someone has tips for the situation, please say so ♡

«Existential Crisis»

There are times where I feel ashamed of the way that I am, there’s nothing wrong with me (I think), but sometimes, I and probably the person who is reading this, feels useless or without motivation.

Growing up is not what I expected to be.

I’ve being working and living alone since I’m 18 and I do feel that as an achievement, but besides that there are times where I feel useless and without a clear idea of what to do.

I’m 22 now, currently trying to balance out a career that I don’t really like with my job as a customer service associate (where they are nice enough) but I don’t really like either.

I don’t have hobbies or a clear idea of what I really enjoy doing, I like to travel and take pictures, besides that, there’s not much I can think of

Funny enough, I’m not really performing well at college since I’m usually tired from work anddd the other way around.

I’m really trying to stay positive, but any idea or tip for the situation would be useful, because at this moment I feel stuck.

Wish me luck ♡

Vacations

Hi !

I’ve been working for 2 years now and, I’ve been thinking that I do nothing really in my vacations or even in my weekends.

These are the moments were I think in the ‘classic’ quote

«You live to work or you work to live»

I had a little break down, which made decide to take time for myself, to go on a trip! I always dreamed about going to Europe, which is probably boring for some people, most of my friends just want to go to the beach.

My main stop is France, Paris… I don’t know french, but I hope I can learn some basic vocabulary to survive, it looks like a place with so much art 🙂

I’ll go in a couple of months and I should start a map already, wish me luck !

Living alone as a teenager

I moved from my parents house when I was 18 years old, just looked for a job and an apartment, but I didn’t really realize, things weren’t that easy.

The reason why I wanted to leave so badly is the topic for another day.

I don’t know if the «process» of moving out is the same or similar in most places, but in Costa Rica you have to pay several things.

The first purchase or deposit you make in your apartment, works to assure you will treat the place nicely (if your do, the deposit will come back to you as a refund), which is usually the same amount of your rent,  that amounts are already 2 huge quantitys

The rent (for the hole month of course, so you have to move in the begging of these days)

Transportation, to move the things from one place to the other, and it costs more if the locations are far away from each other and even more if you have many furniture.

I did all of these in a rush and as you can imagine there where quite a few things I was forgetting, really basic home appliances, that I thought weren’t that important, like the fridge (biggest mistake of my life btw) and the washing machine; and just consider the taxes of any kind service (water,electricity,wifi).

If I may give any type of advice, is to think everything in advance and estimate a budget a little higher than the original one, value what you really need (new clothes or food) and something really important, is to be, at least, a little nice with your neighbors, because if you don’t have many utensils or food even, they can be a real lifesaver and might also become your friends with time.

I chose to live by myself with no roomies, basically because even if it is the cheapest option, there’s no way to be sure, they’ll be calm or be able to give their part in the rent, I don’t want to struggle and fight with someone and have more stress overall.

I’m 21 now, and I do have a fridge ! I’ve learn, quite a lot and I’ll talking about any topic I think of  🙂

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