Eating disorder

I’m going to talk about something really personal, that not even my friends and family know.

I guess, it started because everytime something good happened when I was a kid (birthdays/graduations) they rewarded me with food, mostly sweets, I probably associated them with possitive things.

I have never been a «skinny» kid, but neither a overweight one, I started to think more about my appearance when I was a teenager, well… 19 years old to be exact; soo, I broke my foot and for obvious reasons I wasn’t moving, also I lived by myself and most of the food I was eating, was fast food.

Of course I gain weight, but didn’t notice it at first, until I saw my jeans didn’t fit, soo I started a really strict diet, in which I succeeded, for year and half ♡

But, in the process, I noticed something different, about how others treated me, being nicer and giving more attention, at the moment I thought it was great.

I felt good, until I broke my diet… soo, in short, I went on a trip to Miami with my grandparents, and I thought «I’ll break my diet just during our vacations»

No problem with it, I’ll eat healthier when we come back home, and I did! , but I had a second trip where I had the same mentality, and this time, when I came back it was more difficult to eat healthier, but I did, for a full month, and suddenly I had the urge to eat something «bad» and… I did, and since then, I did it a couple of more times.

Last year, around September, I had one of these «eating urges» and I worried, because I didn’t want to gain the weight I had lost, and I did something I’m not proud of… I «throw it way» and at the time I said to myself it would be a 1 time thing, but it wasn’t.

Whitout notice it, I started to do this more often, once per week, and then I did it everytime I felt I «over ate».

Past December I was feeling tired and stressed all the time, and without me inducing the «throw up» my body did it by itself, without me wanting to, and I realized I had no control.

And the funny thing is, that I didn’t consider myself as someone sick, when I clearly have a problem that now I can accept.

In January I went to a therapist, and tell her all about it, and since then I’ve been better, sadly… I relapsed last week, it’s the first time in these year, hope it is the last one.

I never thought this could be something «addictive» I don’t do any drugs, I don’t like to go out and party or drink… and still I struggle (now sometimes, before it was every day) with the idea of food.

I hope there’s more awareness of this topic, I went to a «normal» hospital and asked for treatment for my eating disorder, and the receptionist laght at me, saying that’s not a real problem. (In January, before all the actual situation of course).

Thank you for reading ♡